I was watching a documentary on the people of East Coachella (West Coachella is where the music festival is held) and its apparently terrible there; everyone is below the poverty line, most people live in trailers, and they can’t drink their own water because it’s laced with arsenic.
And one guy was saying, “We need to do something for the children, make conditions better. Because if we don’t do something now, they will grow up thinking this is normal, because it is all they’ve ever known.”
I think that’s what I was. I think I was East Coachella, but instead of poverty it was anger and chaos.
It has taken a very long time for me to get to the point I’m at. I can now admit to myself how destructive I was, to myself and by proxy to others, how angry I was, how envious I was of others who grew up in stable households with loving parents who didn’t shelter the hell out of them (can’t go out, no friends can come in), how *intense* I used to be – and how I got even angrier with myself as time went on because I knew at my core I was a good person, but I wasn’t expressing that. I finally forgave myself for everything, for I didn’t know any better - I was dealt a shitty hand and had to wade through a fuck ton of mud to get to dry land, where everyone else seemed to start off. I didn’t ask to be raised the way I was. But in forgiving others and myself, I let the anger go, the destructive behavior, and it has left me feeling nothing but love and understanding for people. I can finally be who I want to be.
I could never be West Coachella, because although it’s rocking, it turns a blind eye to those who are suffering near them, because no one wants to acknowledge stuff like that – it bums people out when they’re trying to have a good time. Depressed people remind others of their own sadness and weakness. Aint no one got time for that. And you can’t blame them for it.
I want anyone that I hurt to know, I am truly sorry, but I am only human and being raised the way I was, I needed more time than usual to develop into a functional human being. I don’t expect any of you to ever talk to me again; I have accepted that how I was, for so long, is a hard image for some people to wipe from their minds. I get it - once you’re tired of someone, you’re tired of them. They failed every chance you gave them and they’re just not worth it to you anymore. But each of you was a learning experience that slowly added up to help me come to a breakthrough, so I thank you.
If I’m watching you or commenting on things, I don’t need your validation. It’s merely an exercise of kindness and support.
Hope everyone has a good one